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As the train approached London, Rachel suppressed a shudder and felt a small smile creep it's way onto her face. It was no good, she told herself, however reluctant she was to be back here, deep inside she just hadn't been able to keep away. She had to go home, she was drawn back here. Even after all these years. Things bound her to London, and it was more than just Robert. She sighed at thoughts of Robert, which threatened to destroy her pleasure and calm at being back. Back where she grew up. Back home. Several years had past but it was still her home. She couldn't deny it any longer. Nor, as she had realised several weeks ago, could she deny the continuing importance of Robert in her life.
Soon the train pulled into Kings Cross Station, with all the familiar 'landmarks'. There was the obligatory WHSmith, Boots, and ridiculously overpriced Burger Kings and sweetshops. The rushing crowds, the confused tourists. The general London hustle and bustle. There was something comforting in knowing what to expect and in knowing that things hadn't really changed in the past four years. Four years - nearly half a decade, but gone in a flash. What had she been doing? What had she been thinking to stay away so long? Sometimes even she didn't know. It had been so easy, though. Make a new life, become a new person. And, she did like her new life, her new home. She had new friends, a good job. Ok, she had had a good job. Maybe this wasn't right? She could still...No, no turning back. After a fortnight of what if's, and second guessing, she had finally forced herself to quit her job, book the train ticket, actually get on the train. Stay on the train...Now she was here. There really was no turning back. If she didn't do this now, didn't find him, she would never know. The sensible thing had been to just stay with Matt, forget about Robert for good. But, the problem was she had been trying that for four years, hadn't she? Not once had it worked. She liked Matt. Maybe she even loved him. He was good to her, good for her. Not like Robert. Exactly. He just wasn't Robert. Still, if she could forget about Robert, and the fact that he was now so near, perhaps she could still enjoy the fact that she was back home! Just for a minute maybe she could ignore the real reason why she had returned, and continue hiding from herself. Just for a little while longer. Until there was no more putting it off. After all, she had known that it wouldn't be easy when she had boarded the train. But, she told herself, didn't they always say that it was less painful in the long run to pull a tooth quickly than to let it ache and fester for ages?
Making her way onto the tube, Rachel grinned idiotically at the crowds, the rude passengers, the impossible to understand announcements, and even the delays due to 'passenger action'. Suddenly they weren't annoying, or inconvenient. They were just a part of London life, a part she hadn't expected to miss, and hadn't even known she did, until now. Now she was back. Back where she belonged. Swearing softly at herself, she admitted how stupid she'd been. Whatever had possessed her to stay away for so long - just because of a man? A man who, if she believed him, no longer even cared for her, thought about her. So, why should she care about him? If she believed him, that was.
Having settled into her hotel, Rachel decided on her next course of action. She hadn't told her family she was back, which was why she was in a hotel. Only Amy, her best friend knew. Of course, Amy had offered her a room but she needed time on her own. Then she would find Robert, see whether what her heart told her was true. After four years...
She got back on the tube and found herself drifting towards Covent Garden. It had always been one of her favourite places. She found something peaceful there, and was a great place to wander and think. Sighing contentedly, she strolled down to the market, stopping to watch the jugglers amuse the kids, indulging herself in all the wonderful little shops and stalls. She really had been away too long. Finally beginning to relax, she noticed how Covent Garden had changed in the past few years, but the atmosphere was the same. Relaxed and cheerful. It was worlds away from the crowds and rush of Oxford Street, the pretentiousness of South Kensington, or the sometimes-forced trendiness of Camden, another of her favourite places.
With a start, Rachel found herself in front of the little café where she and Robert had been regulars since, well, since they'd both been allowed out on their own. A wave of nostalgia almost overwhelmed her. Despite the memories, she forced herself to go inside. So many good times, so many memories belonged to this one little place.
Growing up together, she had been his playmate, then his confidant - the two of them against the world. Later, she became his source of knowledge on the opposite sex, and had worshipped him from afar as he had put that knowledge to good use. He became the ultimate bad boy, whilst she had been the quiet, studious friend always ready to help get him out of trouble. It was sad but true. She would have done anything for him. And, like some bad romance novel, she had waited faithfully until he had noticed her. A few years later, despite her knowing his reputation, they did indeed become an item. It wasn't easy, and she put up with a lot. But it had been worth it. She grinned. Definitely worth it.
Ironically enough, this place, the scene of their first kiss, had also been the place where Robert had told her he was in love with someone else. He'd cheated on her before, but this was serious, he told her. Having been friends their whole lives, then much more for the past three years, Rachel had known that things couldn't have gone back to the way they had been. In the heat of the moment, and, admittedly, relishing the chance to be a drama queen for once, she had announced that if Robert was with someone else, she could be nowhere near Robert.
Therefore, when the chance to do a masters degree had come up, she had gone to Leeds, 200 miles from London. Away from him. London meant Robert, and her old life, and it had been time for a new one. And, pride and humiliation had kept her there. Hiding. Running away. Until now.
She shook her head. That was the past. Now to see whether her future
was with Matt, or back with Robert. The magnetism of him was as strong as ever.
She ordered a coffee and sat down.
Sipping it slowly, she tried to decide
on the best thing to do. If she could find Robert, talk to him, and if her
suspicions were wrong, see if they could at least be friends again. Put the
past behind them and all that grown-up stuff. That was the key - be grown-up
about it.
However, if she was right, if the reason he hadn't married Debbie
was because of her, as Amy believed, and as she herself hoped, well, then, who
knew what her future could hold. It was definitely time to stop running,
though. She sighed, and hoped of the millionth time that she had done the right
thing. Could anyone really know, she wondered. Life-changing decisions were
just that - life-changing, and there was no going back, was there? She tried to
console herself with the fact that if she really had to she could go back to
Matt. It wouldn't be easy, but it was possible. And, if she never went for it,
never tried, she would always regret it. Isn't that also what they said?
Suddenly, and as if conjured up from her memories, a deep voice
interrupted her meandering thoughts.
"Can I join you?" it asked, quietly.
Gasping, Rachel looked up at the familiar voice. Maybe she was
daydreaming...? But, no, standing in front her was Robert. There was no more
time, and all her prepared speeches drifted from her mind as her mouth dried
up. What was he doing here? What was she doing here? She really couldn't do
this. This wasn't the sort of thing she usually did! She forced herself to stay
seated, not knowing whether her legs would actually hold her if she stood
anyway. Speechless, she just nodded, guessing that confrontation time had come
sooner than she'd anticipated. No more running, she reminded herself again.
"What are you doing here?" she managed to ask.
"I was just passing, and
decided to have a coffee", he replied with a grin.
Well, it could be true,
she supposed.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in turn.
"I - I - To
be honest I'm not sure. I think I thought..." she stammered.
"You heard
then? About the wedding? Or rather the lack of it..." She nodded again.
"And so you came back here? Did you come because of me?"
She just managed
to bite back blurting out the truth - that she would go anywhere for him. That
she was still in love with him. But he continued.
"I couldn't do it. You
know, it's funny. I thought I loved her, but when I thought of spending my
whole life with her, I just couldn't do it. I...Listen, do you want to go for a
walk?"
They went to the South Bank, walking along the Thames, the sun shinning on the water, giving the whole scene a nostalgic glow. Rachel could hardy believe she was here with him again. All she wanted to do was stay here with him, in his arms, and hear him tell her everything would be how it used to be. She thought Robert looked as happily nostalgic as she did, but that could be wishful thinking. Not for the first time, she wished she could just read his mind. How much easier things would have been between them, would be now...
However, at least one of them at to say something. On the tube, both of
them had fallen into an awkward, contemplative silence. Now, finally, Robert
broke it.
"Rachel, I have to know why you're really back. Four years is a
long time. I - I have to tell you the truth. I was waiting at the café
for you. Amy told me that you were back, and I knew you'd end up at the
café sooner or later today. I had to see you. When she said you hadn't
come back once since you'd left after..." Robert began, nervously, once they
were walking.
"I know you stayed away because of me. I never meant to hurt
you that badly. But, you did come back 'cos of me as well, didn't you? You
knew, didn't you? That I couldn't marry Debbie because of you. Because
you...you're the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life
with..."
"Really..?" she murmured. Could it be so easy? Could the past
vanish so quickly?
This time he nodded. "Let's try again, please. Now that
you're home..."
Still speechless, Rachel met his gaze, knowing that her
eyes would tell him she felt the same. As he bent to kiss her, his smell and
taste familiar and comforting, and the familiar, comforting sights and sounds
of London around them, she was lost, but also found. Here, back in London and
back in Robert's arms, she was truly home. The past was forgotten, and the
future could be whatever they made it.